I had a rough day. "Get a boyfriend"
My friends and I are growing apart. "Get a boyfriend"
Sometimes I feel lonely. "Start dating"It seems people feel the solution to make my life perfect is seen to be start dating someone, find a boyfriend, pair off. This to me makes a little sense in that I'd have someone to talk to when I'm lonely, BUT I've learned on my road of life that having a boyfriend can be more trouble then you'd expect, and sometimes you're still lonely. I don't know that looking outside myself is the right way to find happiness, being that I! not sure I can be happy with someone if I can't be happy with myself to start. I think that in order to fins the right man I need to be able to offer as much as I will need, to work as a team and to compromise. I must not enter on an uneven level, and I can't be in a situation to make my problems become his problems. I need to feel confident, I need to look and feel attractive, and I need to know that I like who I am so that I can see others will like me too. Then and only then can I enter a healthy relationship and expect to keep it that way. So, as I'm feeling good about me, perhaps its time to return to the world of dating BUT it must be in a way I'm comfortable with, and I'm not jumping into a relationship with the first guy who I see, unless I really believe he could be where I'm supposed to be. I guess we'll see what happens!!
I don't undrestand why it is so difficult to date now. In school it was easy, see a boy, flirt a little, and BAM you have a boyfriend! Now, not only is it find a place to see a guy, then try to find one you are attracted too (lately just because he's good looking in general doesn't mean I find him attractive... confusing but true), THEN you flirt from a distance and try to get him to come over and introduce himself so you can flirt up close. If that doesn't work, then you are left with the decision to go over there or not. It's not my first choice, simply because I wish to start things the way I expect them to continue, and I will not spend my time chasing a guy. This first time can be rethought though, as maybe he's shy, I mean there has to be a reason he's single at this age, and shyness is the nicest of the choices.
In my hunt for the right man, I've decided to rule some things out just on basic merit and whether or not I deme it to e conducive to long term happiness.
This means that I have one set of expectations or characteristics that would be good in someone I wish to date and flirt with, and another for someone who maybe long term potential. The problem with that is it takes dating and flirting to know someone well enough to learn their character. These loopholes make everything harder!
I guess that brings me back around to talking to everyone, to being open to opportunity, and to enjoy meeting new people an learning about them. The advantage to my lists is that I now won't waste time with people who don't fit.
That being said; do opposites attract or should I look for someone I have similarities with?
My take on this is that we just have enough differences to expand our experiences and try new things, but we must also have enough in common that we want to do things together. If we have nothing in common at all I don't think we would spend enough time together to learn about the opposite parts, to try new things or to leave out comfort zones.
I've been single for a while. It's no secret and I don't try at all to hide it. In fact I'm pretty ok with it. It seems I'm healthier and happier when I'm single. That only tells me that I've not met the right person, the one who will make me comfortable doing all the things I love and not having to conform to the life he wants me to have.
I have been single so long thr my friends are certain they have all the answers and that I should what they are doing so I can find someone to go out with. I have just a few things I want to saw about it.
1. If you are older then I am and still single, what you are doing clearly isn't working so your opinion on this matter means nothing to me. I will however follow the advice of my happily married friends (MY idea of happily married, not yours)
2. If it makes me feel unsafe then it's not the right thing for me to do.
3. I want something different from my relationship then you do yours. We are all different people and want and need different things. I don't want to be the one to persue a man, I don't want to feel like I am the man in the relationship. Some women like it the other way, and that's fine, I respect it and good for them, but it's not me. Therefore I won't be the one to ask out a random guy just because you say I should. I mean to start how I intend to carry on, so I won't force what doesn't feel right to me. The right guy will come along without me having to change the basics of myself.
4. By telling me to do everything different you are asking me to be someone I'm not. If you don't like me the way I am then why are you my friend? If I'm good enough for you this way then I'm good enough for a man this way too.
5. If you met all your ex boyfriends and guys you dated once all at te same place then that place isn't working, don't telle to try it as you met a lot of great guys there. If they were so great you wouldn't still be going back for more.
6. I do not wish to date random guys of little interest simply to date. I want to form te basis for a relationship and if I am not attracted to someone on any level or there are deal breakers present, then I choose not to waste my time with him. I'd rather be with my friends then spend time with someone I don't want to be around.
7. There is nothing wron with being single for a while, especially after a long relationship. When I have completely healed and ready then I will be open to dating. Not before.
8. If you think I'm being too picky, then either you don't care enough about me and my happiness or you are looking out only for your best interest and not mine. I would rather be single and wait for the right guy the have a string of bad dates or breakups behind me. I'm not new to this, and I know what I want an what I don't. Some are negotiable, but others aren't. Example: If I know I'm not comfortable being taller then the man, it's better to not date him because of it then to dump him because of it.
9. I like odd numbers so I'm ending with 9! If I'm not concerned about my relationship status then you don't need to worry about it either. Thanks anyway.
I do appreciate how much my friends care, and it's great that they want me to e happy. Sometimes people just need a reminder that what makes them happy wont always be what makes me happy.
Ever feel like your partnered friends forget you? They get so wrapped up in their lives that they forget to plan te to spend with you. I have a solution!!
Make plans without them!
I tried it, and it worked. Apparently the thought that I would dare to go so something without them was more then my friends could handle. That's right, I must still be fun because other people want to do things with me.
Don't have other people to hang out with? You can meet some. Or trick your friends. Tell them you're going, and if you have to go alone you will, and chances are someone will be offering to tag along faster then you can dial a phone and ask them. Save time and pride!
These are the things I wonder about my "Friends", whom I see every day.
When did Monica redo the bathroom? And how did it get longer? Their bathroom backs onto the stairway, yet somehow got a lot bigger...
Why did it take me so many years to realize that Ross goes through a lot of girlfriends?
Why is Joey the only one single at the end? He deserves someone too.
When did Chandler and Joey redo the kitchen? They had a whole wall of shelves and I can never figure out when it was changes.
How do they keep their friendship so close after having kids? I think since they can, and I want too, that my real friendships shouldn't be so distant...
I know more about these TV characters then I do my own friends, and I find that just a little sad.
Watching all my friends fall in love and get married, watching them start families and nice forward in their lives, it's making me wonder if that's really what I want or if to what I always thought I wanted.
Reality is often different from what we expect, and maybe what we really want isn't what we think we do.
I get up when I want too, or when my hold decides I want too. I cook the meals I like, and they get eaten. When I stay out late (well, if I ever do) sure I come home to an empty house but I don't have to call ahead with excuses. I get to wear the clothes I like and I get to spend time with the people I want to spend it with.
Sure, I'm lonely sometimes. Yes, I would like to feel love again. The thing is though, that above all of that I want to be me, no rules or restrictions, and I I can't be myself to the very last second then is rather be alone. That's the choice I've made before and it's one I'm sure I'd make again. Me alone and happy is stronger and better then me with someone who wants to change me and makes me sad.
This does NOT mean I don't think there is a balance, it just means that if my prince never comes I'll be ok, and that I'm going to enjoy myself while I wait.
Have you ever noticed that when a guy says he hates something, he's likely doing it all the time? A guy who swears every day he hates men who hit women, when they declare it over and over, probably do, or have. Someone who says they hate drugs more then anything in the world, when you're not even talking or thinking about it, probably so drug involved they don't know what they are saying.
So, when I mentioned to a friend that a mutual acuantence made me feel uncomfortable an weirded out (yup, when I'm not looking for perfection in writing I use lots of fun words, an my daily usage is even worse!) I figured it's my fiend I'll be honest. So...of course...the guy who weirds me out makes a HuGE deal of it. So now I'm seeing signs that maybe this guy is worse then I had thought. I figured just a decent guy with boundary issues, now I'm leaning towards something worse.
When a woman says casually that he stands too close or is too touchy feely, it likely means just that. When a guy says she's wrong, she has no right to say that, he's going to tell everyone that knows either of them a whole different story then what she's saying, he comes off as overreactive and guilty. Guilty of things she didn't even say he did. He now sounds like he is hiding something, and more of a fuss, the more he is hiding. Use this as a warning!
This seems to be fairly common. When no wrong doing is intended then accusations or comments are usually greeted with an apology for any misunderstanding and a declaration I miscommunication and the problem is over. Avoidance is also a popular choice, if you make me uncomfortable I just won't be around you. By making that impossible or very difficult, by trying to keep contact, they are becoming more inappropriate and almost stalkerish. This does not mean they will become a stalker, it simply means that I would see the potential there and tread carefully. That is why stalking begins, it is a desperate and illegal attempt to keep contact with the person. It also becomes clear that they realize they DID do something wrong, or why would they mention it to anyone? If someone approached my friend and said I had called them a name or invited them to join in certain activities not only would my friends have a laugh, but when I heard I would laugh as well. I wouldn't jump up and down and yell from the roof tops that they are wrong, I would have a giggle, figure out what gave them that impression, possibly apologize for the confusion, and move on with life. I woul know that everyone around me knows it's simply lot true, and nothing else would change.
Over denial is a sign of guilt. Perhaps they are not guilty of everything, perhaps thu didn't mean to come across that way, but at some point in time they have done something very similar that was not ok. They now know that they behave in a way that is not ok sometimes and they overcompensate through denial.
So the moral of the story is, if a guy offers a denial or hatred of certain behaviors those are the behaviors you should be most wary of and look out for them carefully, they are likely to arise soon and worse then you expect!
Good luck out there :)
When you get past high school, or sometimes even college, the reasons not to date a guy are a whole new variety. By the time you hit 30 it's an entirely different world, with entirely different concerns. The issues in "grown up" world are more difficult and the decision to date or not becomes more complicated.
Divorce is so common. Do you date a divorced guy? Chances are the ex-wife will always be part of the equation, a bond like that either has emotional or legal ramifications.
Children. As you get older the odds of children being involved increases, something which some find attractive but others do not. My personal opinion is not, for my own reasons an suspicions. Not because the issue of children needs a huge commitment, and because it keeps the ex more involved, but because of my own perceptions.
Hobbies. We all have our own hobbies an activities, and I believe it's good to have time apart, but if he enjoys something you have no tolorence for then it's a long road. Chances are by this age he's set and won't change much.
Drinking. Adults often drink, be it a small glass of wine once a month or a few drinks every night, this can be a deal breaker if you don't agree or can't reach a compromise.
Emotional maturity. In high school girls expect to be more nature then the men, but by this age the difference seems more noticeable to me. Maturity can be more important then age, and it's harder to know without investing time now, as you'd think they are more mature but I've learned that's not always the case.
Family values. Do you both want children? Are you close to your family? Is it important to you to spend a lot of time with your immediate or extended families?
We all have life experiences that make us who we are, and the later in life you meet the more developed you will be, and it can be hard to see just the result without understandin how thu got there. It can also mean what you see is what you will have for the next few decades, which can offer a sense of stability. Most of these issues can be overcome if you can find a middle ground and communicate well, but it's fair to have your own list of deal breakers (if I told you mine you'd list me as single forever, but I want what want and it's out there somewhere). Do what makes you happy by watch for the common issues and prepare for them.