I love my little girl more then life itself. Over the past couple weeks we had some special mommy-daughter days, and we've had sooo much fun! Then today hit, and I now feel, once again, like the worst mom ever.
It all started normally. Breakfast then cartoons, laughing and planning our day. Last night I got overly frustrated with the whole bed time gong show, and we had a couple rough hours before that when everything I said seemed to come out in German or Marsian rather then English, so of course she was unable to do the things I asked. So I thought today we can have a fresh start and get back on track. Nope. Not even close.
Somehow a simple spill, easy to clean so usually not a big deal, created a whole new world where I'm a horrible terrible mom and I'm only ever mad (just to be clear, so you don't think I'm horrible, my concern was not that she spilled but that she yelled at me about it rather then just asking for help) so I got mad that she was yelling and that she spilled something I told her not to touch, and she FREAKED OUT. I swear she was possessed by some huge brat or demon child that I've never seen before in my life. I'm a bad bad mommy, I only ever yell, I don't do anything fun (shopping, museums, gardening, surprises, etc aside) and of course I never spend any time with her. Forget that I spend 2 entire days with her, plus all the extra times I set aside just for her.
The killer part? I actually feel like a bad mommy now. Maybe all those times I think I'm using a mommy voice I really am yelling. Maybe those days I plan for us and all the fun I have are just about me and I don't do any of it for her. Perhaps when I say "Just stop it" I'm actually telling her she's bad and yelling at the poor little thing. That's not what I mean to do, and I don't want to be that mommy, but if I can't see that it's happening then how can I fix it?
I guess it's time for a short break, known as bed time, and I'll start over tomorrow with an extra thing in mine: children see things differently then we do. When we thing we are using a reasonable tone they see it as scary and mean. When we spend a whole day it seems to them a short afternoon. When we do things we hate but they love, they only see that we do them.
On the bright side, before bed last night she told me I'm the bestest mommy ever, so I'll try and hold onto that while letting go of the mean things she said. She's little, she doesn't know... Or maybe she does and like all of us, when she's mad (no matter what the reason) she says things out of anger without thought of the consequences.
How I exorcise whatever it is that turned my loving, smiling, girl into a shreiking, screaming, red faced