Today I learned, finally, just how much I really don't matter. I haven't gone to all the meetups because I feel out of place at them. I'm not spoken to by many of this wonderful group I was part of, many didn't even acknowledge I was there. When I stopped going so often the phone calls stopped. Not slowed down, they full out stopped. None of them called me anymore. So I made an attempt again, I went out of my comfort zone, I went out in the winter, on the yucky roads, I dressed up and did my hair and my makeup, and once (yup, ONE!) person spoke to me. So why go anymore?
It seems that it really doesn't matter. No one cares enough to ask me why I don't go, but simply to guilt me about it, though no attempt to ask me to return, so it must not really matter. If it doesn't matter to them, if I'm going to be ignored anyway, if I don't get to participate in the conversation, then why go at all?? I want to learn and grow and bond and share and support and be supported. I get none of that.
What happens when you realize that the people you thought cared most don't care at all? When they know you're upset about that and leave you to cry alone? It must be time to either start over, find new friends, or just give up and enjoy my life without friends. I see no other choices.
So many people have shown me over the last 2 years just how little I actually matter, I had hoped that this one last little group, the only one I had left, would be different. I guess that since they aren't and that all of them are telling me the same thing, it must be true. Well I matter to me.